hate hate hate hate
People hate. It’s what they do. I hate more things than the average person. But I’m nowhere near the worst. Just listen to a rap song, or read your Facebook timeline and you’ll know that everyone has haters. Now, you may be asking yourself, “‘Dome, how can that stupid 16 year old brat that works at Fashion Bug have haters? People barely notice she’s alive!” Fine question, reader. I’m not sure who exactly THOSE haters are, but in pop culture, there are very vocal people who hate very specific things or people for very specific reasons. And most of them are justified. LeBron James brought the hate on himself. As did Tiger Woods, Michael Bay and Dubstep. I want to talk about the people or things that everyone seems to hate, but can’t really give good reasons for the hatred. And we’ll kickstart this list with the most obvious unnecessary conduit for displeasure.
Yes, asshats, we’ve all seen 40 Year Old Virgin. You’re not original or clever for using that joke here. I understand people not LIKING Coldplay. They are a more pop-oriented version of Radiohead, and a less preachy version of U2. They straddle that line and have done so for 5 albums now. Their music changes with every album, which apparently, some people don’t like for some stupid reason. Everything from acoustic alt-rock and piano ballads, to drum heavy chants and stadium rock anthems, Coldplay has done it all. So why the HATE? I just don’t get it. No one can give me a simple answer. It all seems to stem from a Paul Rudd throwaway joke in a Judd Apatow movie. THAT’S. IT. I had no idea the church of Paul Rudd was so powerful. I’ll never understand, with people like Nikki Minaj(spelling? I’m not going to look it up because there’s a chance I’ll see a picture of this bastard offspring of a Care Bear and a bridge troll) and countless other useless “singers” out there, that one of the few bands that…you know….is actually talented gets so much hate. Check out this video of their most recent tour, where they gave each person in the crowd a bracelet that lights up, creating the largest LED light show since Pink Floyd in their prime.
These guys know how to put on a show. There are much more deserving musicians to hate, everybody. Go throw rocks at Nickelback, a band that hasn’t changed anything because “the formula works”, and of course that formula is to make money. Stupid people that make more money than me…I HATE THEM.
#4 Tony Romo
Settle down, Cowboys fans. I know he hasn’t won you a Super Bowl yet, and yes, that is a disappointment. Yes, he made some serious blunders in his early career, but these past couple seasons, you can’t blame him for the failings of the Cowboys organization. Aim that blame gun toward the management office, and especially Jerry Jones and Rob Ryan. Romo is FREAKING SECOND all-time in career passer ratings and 4th all-time in yards per attempt. He also holds a handful of Cowboys passing records, which is impressive considering the QB’s that came before him. He’s a 3 time pro bowler, and he bagged Jessica Simpson. This guy is alright! Let’s see how he does with…you know…a head coach, a defense, an offensive line, a management staff that doesn’t trade away one of his best receivers for Roy Williams, and a backfield that isn’t constantly injured. Otherwise known as those vital little things that make a team successful. I have faith that Romo can become a Super Bowl caliber QB, since he’s almost there as it is. I have much less faith that Jerry Jones and his army of yes men will ever be able to field a Super Bowl caliber team again.
#3 Keanu Reeves
WHOA. I know, right? No matter what this guy does, people will always associate him with his stupid character in the “Bill and Ted” series. Never mind the fact that Reeves has helped to rejuvenate the “action film” genre TWICE, with “Speed” and “The Matrix”. Reeve’s has fallen victim to his good looks, it’s simple as that. This guy should be used in certain situations, in certain types of movies. He has no place being opposite Al Pacino or Gary Oldman, they just swamp him in charisma. Reeve’s is like a good looking Steve Buscemi. Fantastic when used correctly and horribly out of place when used wrong. I was a huge fan of the “Constantine” film, but then again, I never read the comics. And let’s not forget his performance in “Point Break”, the classic film about Patrick Swayze’s ability to have perfectly quaffed hair after jumping out of an airplane or whatever. If we took all the people that hated Keanu Reeves, Tony Romo, and Coldplay, and forced them to focus their energy onto Tyler Perry, we actually might be able to do this world some good. By destroying Tyler Perry.
Seriously you guys, someone has to stop this shit.
#2 John Cena
OK, wrestling fans, let’s take a deep breath. Is it annoying how Cena is not a champion at the moment, yet he’s still the top bill at every show? YES. Does he have too much influence over his storylines and opponents? YES. Is it annoying that, despite the WWE being full of young talent, we have to watch 10-15 minutes of Cena exposition every single week?
I feel you, guys. I really do. But let’s clear some things up before we move on. Cena is NOT an “awful wrestler.” He’s a POWER wrestler. Just because he’s not Punk, Bryan, or Regal does not mean he is Khali. He’s very good at being a power guy. He also is pretty good on the mic, which is a big part of wrestling, as you may have noticed by now. And despite the comparisons to Hogan that he constantly gets, it’s hard to make that argument stick whenever he’s LOST as many fights this year as he’s WON. Granted, the Big Show/Cena showdown in the cage was a bit of a letdown, but don’t put that on Cena. Show is obviously not going to be able to move around like most wrestlers, and when you have 2 power guys wrestle, you get a power move fight. No Irish whips, arm bars, or anything of that sort, just punches, slams, and kicks.
One thing about Cena that no one can deny is that he LOVES working for the WWE, and has fully embraced his role as a Face. He just granted his 300th wish to a Make-A-Wish kid this week. That’s the most of all time. That’s one kid a week FOR 6 YEARS. The WWE can’t just turn him heel, or drop him to mid-card, it would be too big of a financial hit. That’s where his power comes from. The WWE definitely needs to find a way to put more emphasis on other guys, but Cena will ALWAYS be in the spotlight as long as he’s around, so just accept it.
If you want to hate a wrestler, hate Randy Orton. Not only is he a dick, but he can’t seem to NOT get caught with “wellness” infractions, meaning he was either on ‘roids or smoking grass, or both. He has some of the best in-ring talent of anyone in the WWE, and yet, he keeps finding ways to fuck it up, the whole time treating other people like shit. He’s getting closer and closer to TNA and a tag team with fellow fuck up Jeff Hardy every day. And that would be a shame, because Orton has as much talent as anyone.
#1 Doritos Locos Tacos (and other fast food abominations)
Can we stop pretending like you HAVEN’T had a Doritos Taco from Taco Bell? You have. I have. That guy beside you? He did too. How could you NOT be intrigued by this thing? Yes, it is stupid, and yes, it tastes oddly like that time you ran out of tortilla chips while eating cheese dip and had to use Doritos. I’m sure that’s how they came up with the idea in the first place. This is the purest form of “knowing your market” that we’ve ever seen in America. Taco Bell is a destination SOLELY FOR college kids who are drunk/high/fat/all of the above. It’s cheap. Dear GOD is it cheap. They’re open til at least 2 AM in most locations, and some places even later. Hell, their prime marketing strategy right now is “Fourth Meal”, that odd time when for some reason you’re awake at 1 AM and hungry.
Sober Me: No way in hell.
Drunk Me: BLARGARBLE CRUNCHY
Taco Bell, along with KFC (The Famous Bowl/The Double Down), Hardee’s ( The Monster Thickburger) and McDonald’s (20 piece McNuggets) have acknowledged something that we have all known for a long time: Their food is shit. It’s cheap because it’s barely food. These fast food places aren’t pretending to be something that they aren’t! What you see is what you get. And you pay for what you get. I don’t order a McDouble because I’m looking for a fine burger; I order it because it’s a dollar. You want to get mad at someone, get made at the restaurants that charge you prime cut prices for a steak whenever they’re actually serving you meat glue. Which is…you know…all of them. Taco Bell was accused of serving “meat product” that was less that 35% meat. How did they respond? “YEAH IT IS. IT’S EXACTLY 35% BEEF.” That kind of honesty is something we need more of in America. Am I saying that Taco Bell is the shining light of morality in a corporate society drained of all its compassion and honesty?
Good for you, Taco Bell. Now stop putting beans on every damn thing you make, because your stoner employees keep putting them on my nachos.